Counseling can be for anyone!! We all will run into things in our lives that challenge us and sometimes having a third party unbiased person to talk with can really help us get through life in a healthy way. Below is an interview with Brook Williams, if you would rather listen to the interview click here.
Dr Angela: Today I am interviewing Brooke Williams from Better Way Counseling and Coaching. And so what’s really unique about Brooke is she’s not just your standard run of the mill counselor that you think she goes out of her way to help people move forward. So while we’re waiting for Brooke to join us, I saw this quote off of her website, and it’s on her website. She says, I’m just not here to head nod through your sessions. I’m here to challenge your well worn thought patterns and break cycles. I love that because so many of us have a picture in our head of what a counselor does, and there’s this really stale image of a counselor, like somebody sitting there with this notebook and you’re laying on a couch, and it’s just super, not what anybody really wants to do. And you’re really breaking that stigma by throwing out the old way of counseling and just making it so that it’s all about progress, moving forward. I love on your website, you said, progress, focus, goal focus several different times. And that’s so cool, because I think that people really are nervous about going to a counselor for sure. As they can see your super kind.
Brooke Williams: I try.
Dr Angela: Brooke, thank you so much for Joining me tell me a little bit about your business that are we counseling or coaching and why you got into this field to start off with.
Brooke Williams: Oh, that’s such a long story. So I’m not going to tell you the whole story. But um, I’ve been to counseling as my second career. And I was in IT first, I did that for nine or 10 years, and at some point, realized that I was not all about spreadsheets and those kinds of things, but I really loved the people that I worked with. And so then that kind of evolved. And so I realized that I wanted to be in a field that I was helping people, and that I was making a difference and that those were things that were really, really important to me, obviously, and so and so I decided to go get my master’s degree and just kind of have been on that track ever since then. I started Better Way Counseling about a year and a half ago, after years of agency work and working with lots of different populations and things like that. And I decided that I wanted to kind of go off on my own and take a risk and have a little bit more control over, you know, business and that kind of stuff. And so that’s where I am serving the people that I love to serve.
Dr Angela: And I love that. And what I love about how you do counseling, too, is it’s not it doesn’t have to be in person, right? It can be a chat like this. Yes.
Brooke Williams: So as I said, my background is in IT. So I’m super comfortable with technology, which helps a lot so I have some extra flexibility. So I do have some office hours, where you can meet with me in office, but I also do video conferencing which looks just like this. And, you know, people appreciate that flexibility and having those choices. And so trying to kind of break down some of those barriers and stigma about traditional therapy that people you know, have their own ideas about and see on TV?
Dr Angela: Yeah, so we’re getting further into that. I had moms submit questions. The most common emotions that we feel as moms. And I’m totally right in the thick of this being a brand new mom, my little guy”s five months old. So the first thing that I talked about is your relationship with your husband definitely changes. When you when you go from a woman to a man, if I even myself feel myself resenting my husband sometimes because he doesn’t have to get up in the middle of the night and nurse the baby. He’s not the person that the baby wants to be attached to, 24 seven, and I can I feel sometimes this resentment inside, how do you help women deal with this resentment that they may feel towards the one of the people that they love most.
Brooke Williams: So resentment is super common, right? At any stage of your relationship resentment can kind of just pop in and you can realize that it’s there. Resentment is weird because I’m a therapist, but I do have a favorite emotion. And it’s probably resentment. And the reason is, because it’s sneaky, right? Like, resentment just kind of comes in and you’re like, Oh, I didn’t even know that was there, but suddenly I hate you. Like, and it’s not really that. It’s not really that that’s what it is. It allows us to kind of play the victim. Right? So when resentment is there, we’re at angry, but it’s tricky, because we’re not actually angry with the person that we’re taking it out on. We’re angry with ourselves. And so that’s why resentments kind of fun, because there’s all these realizations along the way. Like, oh, like, I didn’t know that was there, but also, you’re I’m not even mad at you. So when it comes to things like that change between, you know, from not being a mom to being a mom, a lot of times, yeah, like moms have a heavy burden right at first. But also moms are not very good, often, at asking for help. And so Who are you really mad at Dr. Angela? Are you mad at your husband who can’t, who can’t do anything about not being able to nurse, but also often doesn’t know that you even need help? Because a lot of times, we as moms are really, really slow to ask for that help. Yeah, and I think that you hit a really important point there. We want to be super women and just do it all. And it’s really easy to fall into this pattern that you’re calling. I love that you said resentment. It’s fun. It’s fun for me. It’s not fun to have that emotion. But it’s funny because resentment pops in at lots of different points in your marriage. Like I have older kids. I have a 13 year old and a 10 year old and resentment just sneaks in and it’s always when I need something that I’m not asking for. And so I think that is that, you know, and it’s fun to be angry and resentful, like it really is for a moment, right? Because you can just kind of take that take that energy and play the victim, as I said, and so it’s important to understand that your husband is not a mind reader. The men in our lives are not mind reader’s, that is definitely not a skill that they have. So we have to be really, really intentional about how we’re asking for help and what it is and knowing ourselves well enough to know the help that we need.
Dr Angela: And I think that’s super good advice. And being able to, like you said, actually identify what the real problem is where we can get help because like you said, dads can’t do some of the stuff the moms know so asking for help in other areas. That’s really awesome. Okay, so let’s talk about what I feel like one of the most common things I hear from moms is mom guilt, we’ve created this culture of mom guilt. And I just feel like this is something super prevalent, especially how connected we are with social media. There’s always somebody who is doing something different that they think is better than what you’re doing, or they’re doing it better than you’re doing it. There’s always something going on where you still get put down a lot as a mom. You know, my kids are like febreezed out the door and not that mom like has a chore chart. How do you deal with this whole concept of mom guilt
Brooke Williams: So a lot of that I think comes from and I’m going to sound old for a minute, but a lot of that I think comes from social media. It comes from just being connected in ways that maybe we haven’t before, because before we didn’t get to see everybody’s pretty pictures of their vacations or of they’re beautiful, like backgrounds and their children. And they’re all like, cute outfits and all of those things like we didn’t see that all the time. So I think that not that this is new, because I think that probably even my own mom had different comparisons and things that she had. It just wasn’t in her face all the time. But so this mom guilt is, is interesting, because similar to resentment, it’s our own issue, right? Because it’s really us comparing to everybody around us. And so I think that the best way to kind of bring ourselves out of that is to really take some time to identify our own values. So like, just because you know, Joanna or I just made that name up someone. If there’s anybody named Joanna watching it, it’s not you. But just because she’s doing something one way doesn’t mean that that’s the best for my kids in my family. In fact, it’s probably not because even within my own family, I have two kids that the best for one of them is not necessarily the best for the other. So really thinking through like, what are my values? What are the things that are important for me and for our family to do? What are the things that I pictured when I was, you know, first, you know, when we decided that we were going to be parents, what did that look like when we first talked about it before it even happened? If that conversation never happened, but, but those things are important so that you can identify those values. So that when you catch yourself comparing, you can remember, you know, whether or not that was even something that you had planned for yourself, or whether it just looks pretty. And the other thing is, knowing who your people are. So we follow however many people on social media and we have however many people in our neighborhood that we can compare to, but if we have a you know, a group of people that we really, care about right like that are closest friends, our closest family, the people that speak into our lives in ways that, that build us up, and then encourage us, then those are the people that we’re taking feedback from, not the rest of the world. So it’s really important to kind of curate both your social media feeds, but also the people that are speaking into your life. And when you do that, then you’re able to set better boundaries around, you know, around all the things that you’re kind of bringing in.
Dr Angela: And I think you hit a lot of really important things there. We spend a lot of time at our house, my husband will ask me, Is that normal? And then like, well that normal for our son. And I can I felt that in a little bit too, just from my perspective of kind of what you’re saying is, every kid is so diverse and what works for someone else isn’t going to work for you. And it is really important when he said to set those healthy boundaries and only let people in so close and because when someone posts this perfect social media picture, I’m like your kids is perfect and dress. You don’t see the thousand other photos that they took with screaming and crying and puking. And everything else that happened. You see that one perfect photo.
Brooke Williams: Right, all you see is your kid next to them with spaghetti all over their face and like, the mess that’s all around them. But that I mean, that is reality, if you think about it, too, not to interrupt you, but if you think about it, too, like we were not, regardless of life, we’re never talking about or posting about the real things that are happening in our lives and everybody has that like and that’s the part that we forget about because we only see even when we walk by, you know, take a walk at night, and we see you know, Joanna and George out there you know, happy as can be working out outside in their, their house or whatever, like we see the stuff that they want us to see. But when they go inside the house, you don’t know what that looks like. And I think that’s so hard for us to realize. But it’s definitely, like I’m a therapist, I hear it right. Like I hear all the things that everybody hides from everybody else. So it’s there. Everybody has their own story, even if that’s not the part that they’re showing you.
Dr Angela: So, on that line, let’s talk about tempers. Because I think this is something a lot of people have it again, you hide it from the public. So we’ve all been there driving the car, there’s traffic, there’s a kid in the back going Mom, Mom, mom, wanting your attention and you just lose it for a second snap at them. How do we come back from that? Because I originally I was going to ask you, how do we avoid this, but really, it’s unavoidable in life. We’re going to our kids know how to push your buttons. We’re going to get there at some point. So how do you come back from that and kind of mend that relationship?
Brooke Williams: So own it. Right? Like, that’s the biggest thing is that it’s always going to happen, like you said, not always going to happen. But if you’re going to have those moments, and you can’t stay stuck in those because just because again, just because you didn’t see everybody else snap at their kids doesn’t mean that they’re not doing it just me, because they are. But what you can do is you can own that moment, right? So realize that you, you know, you stepped out of the box for a minute, that’s not the way that you want to model for your kids. So then you go back and correct. Obviously, when you’re when your kids are younger, super small, it really doesn’t make that much of an impact to them if 99% of your interaction with them is positive, right? Like don’t beat yourself up over that. It’s when they’re toddlers and when they’re getting a little bit older and you snap, that you can go back and have those conversations and you can really explain to them like I’m a human being. I have feelings. This is what happened, right? Just like you have temper tantrums when you know i don’t buy the snack that you want at the grocery store. I have feelings to, mine are a little bit different than yours, but it’s good for them to see, you know that you have a range of emotions and that you know how to go back and say, You know what, I shouldn’t have said that right? Like I sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I didn’t mean to do that I need to go ahead and take care of myself. And I hope that you’ll forgive me for this. But I think the other piece is important where you can learn from that moment, because, usually when we’re in those spaces where our temporary short, and our, you know, our fuses already been lit by all the other things that are happening in life. What we haven’t done is we haven’t been proactive, and instead we’re being reactive. So being proactive, of course, is the word that every mom rolls her eyes at, which is self care, right? So we want to make sure that we’re taking care of ourselves, and making sure that we’re doing the things that keep us refreshed, so that we’re not snapping at our children every 10 minutes or resenting our husbands for everything that they do. But that proactive measure is really important. Are you going to ask the follow up question?
Dr Angela: What you’re saying is so important, because we see this all the time in our office, people just coming in, they’re so overwhelmed that all they can do is survive. And honestly, that’s the example that we’re setting for our kids. They’re going to take care of themselves the way that we take care of ourselves. So a lot of times I get moms that say, Oh, I feel selfish if I do self care. Like, you’re actually making your kid a better person. You’re a better mom, you’re setting a better example. So we will often self care for probably an hour both you and I spoke on this topic.
Brooke Williams: Can I say one more thing? Yeah, and I say one more thing, because that’s such a great point. What you just said was, it’s not but it’s not just about modeling self care. It’s about modeling the fact that you matter, right? So modeling the fact that your life has value because and this is especially important when they’re super young, you as a person need to matter to them, they need to know that your life is not just to provide for them, and to give them all the things that they want and to give them the snack and all of that your life has value and meaning. Because when they get older, they will know that you have meaning that you’re a human being that matters, rather than just somebody that provides for their needs. And that’s a super important lesson we talked about this, entitled generation I hate to talk about this. But we’ve talked about like those kinds of things. And those are exactly the lessons that are important for them to learn and that you model when you are doing self care.
Dr Angela: That’s awesome. Something I definitely never thought of before. So let’s talk about one more thing and this kind of ties back into a lot of stuff that we’ve already talked about tonight. But I’ve found that a lot of times as moms we feel inadequate. We just feel like I don’t have everything I need to be a good mom or I don’t know everything I need to know, or there’s, you know, something I can’t figure out for my child and my child struggling with this and I can’t figure it out. I don’t know the answers. How do you help mom get past this feeling of just being inadequate as a mom?
Brooke Williams: So we were all inadequate, right? Like, we, we all are learning as we go. So that’s the first thing that we always have to know. But I think that if, when you’re in those moments where you have those feelings of inadequacy, you it’s really important to just go back to basics, right? Like your job, your literal job, in when you’re in mom role is to love them to keep them safe. And to make sure that they turn into some kind of functioning adults. So in the moment, as long as you’re doing those things, right. Are they loved? Are they safe? And is this going to affect them as an adult? Right? Like those are your three things if you’re covered, then you’re good. Like that’s legitimately, go back to basics right? It’s not about exactly the situation, everything is not going to look perfect. And a lot of times we learn lessons and then we have to kind of course correct over time, because maybe we took the wrong, you know, maybe we set the wrong lane here. But that’s okay. Because we all do that, because we’re all just learning, it’s such a process, like we’re always learning.
Dr Angela: I don’t know if you talked about this with your moms that we talked about in their office trusting yourself. And you know so much more than you realize that you do. And it goes back to those three things you’re talking about, you know how to do those things for your kid, but we second guess ourselves constantly. Again, we’re overly connected too much information and not enough wisdom in our life today.
Brooke Williams: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I don’t have anything to add there. Yes, you naturally know how to how to love your children, even if there’s some reason that that was hard for you in the beginning like postpartum depression or something like that, like, it’s in there somewhere. If you work out the things that are on the surface that you’re dealing with, initially, then you still know how to love your baby like it’s still there.
Dr Angela: So, Brooke, do you have anything coming up and you workshops, events, classes, anything that people can come and see you? I know that you love public speaking.
Brooke Williams: I don’t love public speaking, but I do actually. So I’m also the clinical director over at Your Story counseling, which is part of Journey Church in Goose Creek and Ladson. And I’m representing them at the Bloom Conference, which is May 4. I think you can find that at, Bloom conference, LLC. com, I think is the website. But I’m hosting a breakout session in there which we’re going to talk about moms and emotional wellness and things like that. So is a conference specific for moms as well.
Dr Angela: Awesome. So we’ll have you throw the link for that in the comment section so that moms can find that. And then also, how do people get ahold of us if they want to follow up? They want to learn more wants to chat with you, how do they talk to you?
Brooke Williams: You can email me or you can go to my website, my website is betterwaycc.com, Better Way Counseling and Coaching. And you can, you can actually schedule directly through my website for a consultation. So that’s super easy. You can just click and go if there’s anything that you have a question about whether it’s scheduling or not. Or you can email me at brooke@betterwaycc.com.